Zombie Apocalypse Proposition

November 19, 2010

Thomas Silva

Mr. Silva

Pacifica Christian High

Santa Monica, CA 90045

Dear Mr. Silva,

Over the course of the past few days, it has come to our attention that the state of moral standards regarding zombie ethics has been left unclear. In the course of this letter, we hope to clarify the standards according to our research and developments in this field.

Over a zombie’s lifetime, from first infection to the brain’s destruction, it is difficult to determine their state of mind. A few things are clear:

1. They are alive.
2. They have an unexplainable hunger for brains.
3. They cannot be stopped save for removal and/or destruction of the brain.
4. They do not defecate.
5. They can give birth only if bitten while pregnant.
6. The majority of their internal organs do not function.
7. They can think to a certain extent.

In light of these facts, it can be surmised that they should be treated as valuable forms of wildlife. Some have the uncanny abilities most others do not possess: rational thought, the ability to write (usually scrawled in blood on walls or floors, but occasionally with a pencil on pieces of paper), the ability to act as a medic for others of their kind, the occasional understanding of human language, one has been captured that can run at human walking speed, and the rare opportunity of leadership occasionally arises within their ranks. A zombie with one or more of these abilities usually fills this position.

Due to their organizational and physical skills, a zombie greatly resembles early man in decay. For this reason, it would unmistakably be genocide to remove this species from the Earth. It is imperative and moral for them to be kept for study in order to protect human life. Self-defense, as is true with all species, is permissible if confronted with an attacking zombie. However, a preemptive strike on these magnificent creatures would damage ecology and cause a larger, more organized zombie uprising. The last thing humanity needs to do is make itself an enemy in the zombie apocalypse.

In addition, the time that has elapsed since the dead have begun to rise has made the zombie a central part of the food chain. With livestock’s being most decimated in the midwestern and southern Divided States, a removal of zombies from that ecosystem would wreak havoc on the wildlife as predators which prey upon the unsuspecting vermin that flee from the undead. The extinction of these predators would cause a chain reaction, which would result in the collapse of the modern food web due to the lack of balance in the chain.

If confronted with mass hordes or one-on-one with the species, one has several options in dealing with them. 

1. Run.
2. Hide.
3. Run.
4. Run some more.
5. Shotguns.
6. Harpoon guns.
7. Rifles.
8. Distraction with animal brains and/or enemies.
9. Death.
10. Painful death.

These options are all last-resort for any species. It is important, however, to be humane and destroy the brain first. Although zombies know no pain, they do know the desperation of hunger. Incapacitating the undead will cause a cruel and unusual death. However, even if a zombie has been decapitated, all bodily parts maintain the ability to move until the brain has been destroyed. In these situations, it is permissible to destroy all extremities. Any method is acceptable. We prefer the Molotov or the mini-gun.

Recently, “zombie exterminators” have been becoming more popular. We do not condone such actions, as they encourage a prejudice against the species, a slap in the face to our non-existent economy, and if the exterminator joins their ranks in his line of duty, they have already been paid. This is essentially pointless. 

It is extremely important to be able to distinguish a zombie from a regular human being before contact. Not only does this heighten survival rate, it prevents unnecessary killings. If one is unsure of the status of another person, they should attempt to establish human contact, i.e. talking, yelling, sign language. If one finds another survivor, one should attempt to establish firm camaraderie as to heighten mutual survival chances. If a human becomes hysterical, it is permissible to exterminate them immediately as to assure the survival of the collective.

Sincerely yours,

Marcus Rosen and Scott Simmer

Co-Heads, Board of Zombie Ethics