Chuck Norris

Dec 3, 2043

Marcus Rosen, Scott Simmer

Co-Directors

Board of Zombie Ethics

123 Fake Street

Santa Monica, CA 90045

As of the last twenty-four hours, the movement towards equality with our undead brethren has reached a milestone: a crossbreed. The world has been waiting for this moment ever since the first zombie stumbled his way across Monroeville Cemetery. This crossbreed has not yet been captured, as no known force is capable of ceasing his momentum across the Mojave desert. Already he has torn apart the very fabric of society in the areas surrounding his path. The army has been called in, only to be brutally murdered; his cry for brains and vengeance is known to shred apart one’s very soul. This cry has repeatedly knocked satellites out of their orbit, and his beard singlehandedly stopped the space shuttle from returning to the planet’s surface. We speak, of course, of Zombie Chuck Norris.

After holding his own against the hordes of up to 12,000 in number with only a paperclip and his beard, Mr. Norris gave in due to his curiosity and the psychological trauma that could only follow tearing through 800 infected persons using only his big toe. Hs surrender was graceful and dignified. Sources claim he dashed into his hideout, conveniently located under 10 tons of dynamite and solid uranium, (very unstable uranium that may react at any moment), he put on his Sunday attire of a jet black suit and a polka dotted tie which of course bared the likeness of a goat. He delivered a 3 day address to the zombie masses while fighting them off with one hand, dramatically motioning with the other. He then proceeded to eat a chalupa. Upon allowing himself to be bitten, he realized the obvious: he simply could not die. Their disease could only make him stronger. Immediately following his realization, the uranium reacted with his awesomeness, and Mr. Norris strolled slowly away from the large, overdone, movie-like explosion, just to be more dramatic.

Little is known about the particular powers of Zombie Norris, but it is apparent that he has developed a tentacle that protrudes from his abdomen, a feature that neither of the original species possessed. In addition, a chainsaw has grown in place of his chin, hiding underneath his beard. This can be attributed to the zombie’s natural adaption to their greatest enemy, which at this point had gone unexpressed in their genetic code. His DNA is particularly interesting in that it is not only based on arcenic, but also gasoline, kerosene, heroin, and cocaine, giving him unlimited energy, explosive potential, and punching. The only known way to slow him down is to set him on fire, but he soon extinguishes it with pure manliness.

Where he is going is anyone’s guess, but he is coming out with a hip-hop album this summer: Brainz and Gunz, featuring hit song “WE WANT BRAINS NOWWWWW.” We would advise the public to be on the lookout, but simply gazing upon him will cause one’s brain to erupt through their ears out of sheer shock and awe. Think of the face-melting scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark, except much worse and more awe-inspiring. Suggested action upon hearing of a Zombie Norris sighting is to gouge one’s eyes out Oedipus-style and run. It doesn’t matter where too; it is most likely already too late.

Thank you for your time.

Marcus Rosen and Scott Simmer

Co-Heads, Board of Zombie Ethics.   

Zombie Apocalypse Proposition

November 19, 2010

Thomas Silva

Mr. Silva

Pacifica Christian High

Santa Monica, CA 90045

Dear Mr. Silva,

Over the course of the past few days, it has come to our attention that the state of moral standards regarding zombie ethics has been left unclear. In the course of this letter, we hope to clarify the standards according to our research and developments in this field.

Over a zombie’s lifetime, from first infection to the brain’s destruction, it is difficult to determine their state of mind. A few things are clear:

1. They are alive.
2. They have an unexplainable hunger for brains.
3. They cannot be stopped save for removal and/or destruction of the brain.
4. They do not defecate.
5. They can give birth only if bitten while pregnant.
6. The majority of their internal organs do not function.
7. They can think to a certain extent.

In light of these facts, it can be surmised that they should be treated as valuable forms of wildlife. Some have the uncanny abilities most others do not possess: rational thought, the ability to write (usually scrawled in blood on walls or floors, but occasionally with a pencil on pieces of paper), the ability to act as a medic for others of their kind, the occasional understanding of human language, one has been captured that can run at human walking speed, and the rare opportunity of leadership occasionally arises within their ranks. A zombie with one or more of these abilities usually fills this position.

Due to their organizational and physical skills, a zombie greatly resembles early man in decay. For this reason, it would unmistakably be genocide to remove this species from the Earth. It is imperative and moral for them to be kept for study in order to protect human life. Self-defense, as is true with all species, is permissible if confronted with an attacking zombie. However, a preemptive strike on these magnificent creatures would damage ecology and cause a larger, more organized zombie uprising. The last thing humanity needs to do is make itself an enemy in the zombie apocalypse.

In addition, the time that has elapsed since the dead have begun to rise has made the zombie a central part of the food chain. With livestock’s being most decimated in the midwestern and southern Divided States, a removal of zombies from that ecosystem would wreak havoc on the wildlife as predators which prey upon the unsuspecting vermin that flee from the undead. The extinction of these predators would cause a chain reaction, which would result in the collapse of the modern food web due to the lack of balance in the chain.

If confronted with mass hordes or one-on-one with the species, one has several options in dealing with them. 

1. Run.
2. Hide.
3. Run.
4. Run some more.
5. Shotguns.
6. Harpoon guns.
7. Rifles.
8. Distraction with animal brains and/or enemies.
9. Death.
10. Painful death.

These options are all last-resort for any species. It is important, however, to be humane and destroy the brain first. Although zombies know no pain, they do know the desperation of hunger. Incapacitating the undead will cause a cruel and unusual death. However, even if a zombie has been decapitated, all bodily parts maintain the ability to move until the brain has been destroyed. In these situations, it is permissible to destroy all extremities. Any method is acceptable. We prefer the Molotov or the mini-gun.

Recently, “zombie exterminators” have been becoming more popular. We do not condone such actions, as they encourage a prejudice against the species, a slap in the face to our non-existent economy, and if the exterminator joins their ranks in his line of duty, they have already been paid. This is essentially pointless. 

It is extremely important to be able to distinguish a zombie from a regular human being before contact. Not only does this heighten survival rate, it prevents unnecessary killings. If one is unsure of the status of another person, they should attempt to establish human contact, i.e. talking, yelling, sign language. If one finds another survivor, one should attempt to establish firm camaraderie as to heighten mutual survival chances. If a human becomes hysterical, it is permissible to exterminate them immediately as to assure the survival of the collective.

Sincerely yours,

Marcus Rosen and Scott Simmer

Co-Heads, Board of Zombie Ethics

On the Humane Disposal of Zombies

Here at the Board of Zombie Ethics, we are dedicated to improving the state of being for both humans and our undead friends. It is inadvisable to attack a zombie in cold blood, but if the occasion should arise due to the need for self-defense, it is imperative that the brain be immediately disposed of in order to make sure the passing is quick and easy for all.